


spaceboy

by mangojuices



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, but happy ending, could be open ending, i suck at tags sorry, i think, kind of sad, san centric, this is angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:34:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23126368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mangojuices/pseuds/mangojuices
Summary: "I had a dream once where I was in space."Choi San dreams being among the stars and the planets, nestled against moons and circling around suns to cope.
Relationships: Choi San/Jeong Yunho
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	spaceboy

Hours had passed, the clock ticking into nighttime.

The sun had slowly nestled into the rocky mountains of the Nevada landscape, its warm, orange hues bleeding into blues as stars begin to freckle the sky. The moon replaces the sun, reflecting its own kind of iridescent shine that bounces among the sleeping sedimentary rocks. The cycle of day and night finds its routine and shakes until it settles, murky waters now calm as San and Yunho sit on a cliff, legs crossed and heads tilted back. The night sky is its own kind of beauty. There's no life in the deep blue curtains, but there's still breath up there that _breathes_ , that _moves_. Stars twinkle bright, winking and yawning, planets wiggle and stretch awake, the moon waves and smiles.

Life finds its way in space despite the lack of oxygen.

It's that very liveliness that baffles Choi San, amazes him even. The planets and shooting stars, the satellites, the Milky Way and the galaxies beyond; it absolutely makes him feel almost alive. San and Yunho had arrived at this camping spot hours ago, when sunlight still seared the area. They had set up a tent and ate their very late lunch and since then, they had passing conversations and occasional breaks of loneliness. It took hours, but when the sun died, San bounced alive. He had dragged Yunho out of the city and into the rigid wilderness for this very moment, for this movie that unfolds when you escape the busy hustle of life, for the very thing that keeps his flames constantly lit.

Yunho chuckles lowly, "You made me drive for hours to look at the sky?" San makes a face, "It's not _just_ the sky! It's what's _in it_ , you know? The planets and stars, all that shit. Hell, you might see something move," "Aliens?" San gives a pointed look to Yunho, who grins widely. "Like _shooting star_ s. Or you might see Jupiter, maybe Mars if you have binoculars. It's, jeez, _exciting_ and _thrilling_ , it's absolutely amazing!" San rants, shifting from side to side as his eyes dart back and forth from the sky to Yunho. "Look! That's Jupiter." San scoots towards Yunho, pressing his chest against the other's arm and points at the sky at a dot, so tiny and bright. "That's a _planet_ , Yunho. _Another_ planet. We're looking at a planet from a different planet; you can't tell me that that isn't fucking amazing." San settles, the energy he had now spent. Yunho smiles (he can't help it when San gets excited); his eyes take on a different shade, his face lifts, and it looks like as if San reverts back to his childhood years.

"Yes, San, it is amazing."

-

They spend some two hours like that, San’s head resting on Yunho’s lap, eyes locked on the sky as if it's an enthralling movie sucking them into another world. It's Yunho that pauses the movie first, a curious question slipping from his lips, disturbing the blanket of quietness. "Why do you like this so much? I mean, the sky is beautiful day and night, but what about it makes you so.. so excited and happy?" Silence riddles the question making Yunho tear his eyes away from the screen of stars to San who sighs.

_"I had a dream once where I was in space."_

Something ripples, the fabric of time and space shifts then settles. Something has _changed_ , something was _moved_. Was it the rocks beneath their bodies? The minimal leaves hanging on the trees? Was it an animal out for a midnight snack? Yunho chucks it up to a ' _no_ ', it's not any of those. In fact, it's San. His young face doesn't hold that youthful glance he has when space was in question, eyes now dull and glazed with memories of what? _What is it?_

"I was just floating around, going from one planet to another, passing by satellites and meteors, racing against shooting stars— it was beautiful. Everything was so beautiful. The stars, the planets, everything. It looked just like that."

San breathes; everything breathes, suspense in the air waiting for that moment, the moment where happiness breaks and memories spill. The vase tips, San exhales, the trees exhale, Yunho exhales, _the cat jumps out of the bag_.

"Everything about that dream was what I wanted at that time. But," San pauses, licking his lips, "What I didn't know until years later is that, that was what I _needed_ , not _wanted_. Everything was amazing, but the feeling I felt was.. It wasn't amazing, it was like, I-I don't know..." San frowns, eyebrows furrowed in confusion before choking out a hurried answer.

"Imagine being happy but ten times that. It was the feeling of overwhelming joy and happiness. I felt like _all_ of my worries were lifted and thrown away, like I had accepted what I was and what I was worth and even though I was worth less than a penny— that was _okay_. It was okay to feel like nothing because at that moment, in space, I could fill all that nothing with self-appreciation and love. Like, it _didn't matter_ that my father was a piece of shit and that I was poor and that I was bullied. It didn't matter because at that particular time, _it_ _didn't_ _exist_. All that was alive was me and my space, up there, among the stars and galaxies."

A shaky breath leaves San, his energy now really gone and wasted. The white dots start to bleed together, blurring into a mess of carelessly splattered paint on some artist's canvas. Rivers stream down the sides of San’s face, racing like shooting stars towards his hairline.

"I felt at peace."

An inhale. From who? Who knows.

"I felt okay. I felt like I was _safe_. Safe in some place I could never reach because it's unrealistic and stupid... like my dreams and aspirations. But that's okay, because I have this cliff and this sky where I can lay down and imagine I'm still ten, floating in the stars and sleeping on planets. All it takes is a drive out of reality and I can be at peace, be myself, be a person with a _will_ and a _dream_."

Yunho bites his lip, eyebrows hugging close as his heart beats erratically at the wrenching story of Choi San; _the story of a man who dreams to have a dream_.

"It's sad but it's that dream that keeps me going, you know? Everytime I doubt myself or anything, I just remember that dream I had. That stupid, little dream where it was okay to feel not okay. And every single time, without fail, I think of that dream, I become okay. And when I'm okay, I can keep going. _I can keep going_." San says the latter in a whisper, as if to reassure himself. "I will keep going."

The story ends, the book closing shut tight. San lays there, his head on Yunho’s lap, bleary eyes and stuffy nose staring up at the messy, cloudless sky. The Stars wink at him, the Moon soothes him, the Planets cups his cheeks and cradles him like a baby. His heart grows light, and he feels okay again. It takes a minute, but San smiles, not out of happiness, but at the image of him, floating in the sky, weaving between small and large dots at age ten, with his unruly hair and missing teeth, that same sad face but hope in his eyes.

San smiles, not out of happiness, but at the boy in the sky who dreamed to be okay.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i've had this one in the drafts for so long but with nct... but i revamped it for atz :)  
> my twitter is @seonghwatt ! pls give me fic recs so i can be ~*inspired*~


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